WORLD GONE WILD! YAY! MORE STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT! MAILBOXES ARE EXPLODING! Why, you ask? Can it really be because we allow ourselves to fear death - which, by the way, doesn't exist - as the mailbox bomber would have us believe? Is it true that in avoiding death, we are forced to conform, or else suffer mentally and physically? What about the 1% of the nation controls 99% of the nation's total wealth? Might they have something to do with it, as his rambling missive suggests? Probably not. In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, it is far more likely that these exploding mailboxes are the result of mommy not paying enough heed to junior's attention-getting antics, the girl next door laughing at the size of his pee-pee, or a particularly traumatic year spent potty training. Such minor traumas, when amplified by the isolation of our ever more solipsistic, inward-turning, techno-dominated lives, can lead to all sorts of aberrant behavior. Add an increasingly degenerate, disposable popular culture and a political arena where the range of debate has been restricted to a "cola wars" level, and you've got yourself the makings of these very strange days. And if the indications yer old pal Jerky's been hearing on the whisper-line are correct, we should probably brace for more of this kind of quasi-schizophrenic attention-getting. After all, what have these people got to lose? Sincerely, Someone Who Cares

ON THIS DAY! May 7 On this day in 1915, more than 2000 men, women and children are on board the great ship Lusitania, heading for England. Unfortunately, so is a cargo of American ammunition meant to be used by the Brits against Germany. A German U-boat torpedoes the ship, snuffing 1,198 civilian lives. Also on this day, in 1987, Shelly Long makes her final appearance on the hit sitcom Cheers. Since that fateful day, Miss Long has generously provided grist for the comedy mill by pathetically attempting to claw her way back into the celebrity limelight. Way to rage against the dying of the light, there, Shelly!

THEY SAID IT! "We're going to have something in the way of a major nuclear event in this country. It will happen. Whether it will happen in 10 years or 10 minutes, or 50 years ... it's virtually a certainty." - Billionaire insurance and investment tycoon Warren Buffett does his best to lift our sagging spirits by injecting a golden ray of optimism into our increasingly dreary public discourse. *** *** *** "Within the next day or so, the United States will notify the secretary-general of the United Nations, Kofi Annan, that we will not ratify it, that we have no intention of ratifying the international criminal court treaty. Since we have no intention of ratifying it, it is appropriate for us, because we have such serious problems with the ICC, to notify the depository, the Secretary General, that we do not intend to ratify it, and therefore we are no longer bound in any way to its purpose and objective." - On ABC's This Week, Secretary of State Colin Powell makes the rest of the world wonder what plans are in the works, exactly, that would necessitate our non-participation in a global war crimes court.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Gizzard... Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight ... please, please, tella me this true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says .... "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Delila... Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendency to be smarter than the second. They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous. Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down. "No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Kate G. As always, congrats! Q: How do you make pickled bread? A: Dildo!

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Where the Hell did you get the picture for today's UGLITRON? The one with the dark-haired woman with her feet up on the edge of the sofa, wearing glasses, and sucking her thumb. Know the one I mean? It's the spitting image of my wife. It's so like her, I am considering a divorce. Even SHE admits it could be her, but I know I have never taken this picture. Any chance you could give me a hint on where you got it? Eh? Please? Pretty please? All I need is the proof that it IS her, and I can get rid of her for good. Hope you can help on this one, but please do not print my E-mail address. Signed: M. W. Jones Most of the mirror-crackin' beasts featured in the Daily Dirt's ever-popular UgliTron are actual blood relations with yer old pal Jerky, himself. After all, if it's ugly you want, you gotta go with what you know! Our gorge-tightening selections aren't all in the family, however. In fact, we recently hooked up with a source in the Secret Service who's been supplying us with some truly disturbing photographs taken with supersecret spy cameras planted every which-a-where: toilet bowl rims, shower stalls, you name the angle, he's got the pic. We're currently looking into the legality of incestuous mongoloid porno pics, and as soon as we get the go-code, y'all will be the first to reap the rewards. So hang in there!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: VIVA MEGALOMANIA! Care of: Listerine. Ay Jerky; There's nothing new about the CIA toppling foreign govts. I have a tape still with Daniel Sheehan talking about Nicaragua. I keep it around for all the fools who don't beleive the CIA is crazy. As regards South America, I have read in the BBC about how the EU is sucking up to SA now to apparently help out their socio-economic base. I'd say more like for potential military control. And can you blame the EU? There's no telling what might happen next from our beloved (sic) leader. The Europeans are planning for the future. And what's going to happen to Argentina? In fact, what's up with all these countries suddenly loosing leaders? Some of these places are a little like think one was Montenegro or something. It's like there's a sudden rash of govt's being toppled... juntas... coups... stolen bases... Or Maybe this is a sign from GOD. An omen. Like look you stupid fucks. Look what you too could do if you had any cajones. Just thoughts from the reaches of American Haiti, here. It's like all those earthquakes this past month or so in SA and Mexico are also affecting the political systems. Ay. Privately... there's no plans to oust V. Fox is there? I don't think Fox would take any shit lying down. And I don't think the Canadians would just lay there either. Maybe when Clinton was Prez, back in the days of the Old America. The issue that entangles everything is all the business interests in foreign countries who thought they had it made in the shade with el cheapo labor. Might be they'll have to return to the good ol US and pay real wages for a change and quit using slave labor. Might help to level the playing deck. Then there's the people who live and work in Mexico or wherever simply because it's cheaper and they can have just as good a job as here. I'd go to Mexico just to be safe, personally. Somehow I just can't see a war with the Mexicans. Maybe they'd unite with some outfit from SA and then... war is getting to be a pretty stupid thing all around. It's bringing civilization down and destroying cultures. Waste of fucking money. Someone needs to find out what the total oil worth is of these countries and who is operating. Isn't Syria tied up with some SA oil company in some pipeline near Damascus or something? I need to check my sources. I'll be getting back to you on this. Jerky, this is getting serious because EU HAS been working on gaining political support in SA. And I wouldn't doubt if the world would turn on us if that nitwit keeps on with his meglomania. Be safe. L [Don't make me more paranoid than I already am, maaan! - Jerky]

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